Jokes
   
Your Momma..., Blonde and Gender Jokes are all here.
 
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2smooth2b
on
2nd Feb 1999

I'm from Australia.


 
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Did you like them? Here are the Gender jokes:
GENDER
Q.How are women and parking spots the same?
A.All the good ones are taken, and the rest are Handicapped.
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Q.What do you call a woman that can do more work than a man, do it faster, and do the work better than a man?
A.Lazy bitch!
Q.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
A.Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q.What is the ultimate sexual rejection?
A.When you're masterbating and your hand falls a sleep.
Q.What is a 350 pound stripper?
A.Broke!
"Was it good for you?" ==> "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"I want a commitment." ==> "I'm sick of masturbation."
"I had a wonderful time last night." ==> "Who the hell are you?"
"I've been thinking a lot." ==> "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I'll give you a call." ==> "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I'm a Romantic." ==> "I'm poor."
"I think we should just be friends." ==> "You're ugly."
"Haven't I seen you before?" ==> "Nice ass."
"I have something to tell you." ==> "Get tested."
No, I don't want to dance right now ==> Shoot! She'll know she gave me a woody!
The break-up should not start 'til tomorrow ==> I want to have sex a few more times.
You're the only girl I've ever cared about==> You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
We've been through so much together ==> If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
"I've learned a lot from you." ==> "Next!!!!"
"I need you" ==> My hand is tired.
"I want you back" ==> ...for tonight anyway.
"I am different from all the other guys" ==> I am not circumsized.
"I miss you so much" ==> I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
"Want to snuggle?" ==> I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" ==> I've done something stupid and you might find out.
"Do you *really* love me? ==> I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
"How much do you love me?" ==>I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.
"It's just orange juice, try it." ====> 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
"She's kinda cute." ====> I want to have sex with her till I am blue.
"I don't know if I like her" ====> She won't sleep with me.
"I really want to get to know you better." ====> So I can tell my friends about it.
"How do I compare with all you other boyfriends?" ====> Is my penis really that small?
"The car isn't running right." ===>I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.
"My tools are obsolete." ==> I can't figure out how to work the old ones and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.
"I know where I am." ==> Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
"I need new shoes ==> The pair that I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.
"The remote is broken." ==> Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.
"I'm hungry." ====> Make me something to eat
"This kitchen is so inconvenient." ==> I can't see the tv from here.
"The dishwasher is full." ==> I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.
"It's your decision." ==> I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just take half the credit.
"We need to talk." ==> I need to complain.
"Sure,... go ahead." ==> I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
"You're,... so feminine." (Actually a Question) ==> Do you do laundry... cook... windows... bake?
"Let's be romantic... turn out the lights." ==> Beer gut? What beer gut...Ohh....uh..o.
"You want..." ==> I know what you should want.
"We need..." ==> I want.
"Do what you want and sulk." ==> I'll just sit on the couch.
I'm feeling romantic tonight. ==> There's no game on tonight.
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! ==> I'm losing my hair.
"I had her." ==> I had (wet dreams about) her all week.
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said, "May I have the other 10 years?" The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man spoke up, "May I have your other ten years?" "Of course," said the Lion. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years, and he got them.This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
One day, a family goes to the circus. Mom, Dad, and son all get their tickets and sit down for the show. Just as the elephants come into the ring, the father goes to get the snacks. Suddenly, the little boy jumps up and down and points at the elephants. "Mama, Mama, what's that?" he cried. "That's the elephant's trunk," she said. "No, on the other end!" "That's the tail," she said. "Nooo, under that!" Embarassed, she said, "its nothing," and tried to draw his attention away. The father returned but had forgotten drinks, so the mother goes to the snack bar. As soon as she left the kid tugged at his father's sleeve. "Daddy, what's that?" "The trunk." No, on the other end." "The tail, son." "Nooo, under that." "That's the elephant's penis, son." The child thought for a second and said, "But mama just said it was nothing." "Well, son, your daddy has your mama pretty spoiled."
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older woman often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Glad To Be A Man
Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad.
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee.
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
I don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on.
I don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man,
Tell you the reason I am.
I don't go through a faze Every 28 days.
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john.
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale.
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer.
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man,
Tell you the reason I am.
I don't face the pain
Of water-weight gain.
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate.
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry.
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans.
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man,
Tell you the reason I am.
I don't take a pill
I don't use Massengill.
Man, I'm glad I'm a man,
Tell you the reason I am.
I find Michael Bolton
Completely revoltin'.

The Perfect Day
According to her:
8:45am Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am 3Kg lighter on the scales
9:30am Light breakfast
11:00am Sunbathe
12:30pm Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45pm Shopping
2:30pm Bump into boyfriend's ex & find that she has put on 10Kg
3:00pm Facial & massage
4:00pm Nap
7:00pm Candlelight dinner for 2, followed by dancing
9:00pm Make love
11:00pm Pillow talk in his big strong arms

According to him:
10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:10am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
1:30pm Enormous lunch
2:20pm Oral sex
2:30pm Play sport with the guys
4:00pm Drink lots with the guys
6:40pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:50pm Oral Sex
7:00pm Huge dinner, followed by more drinks with the guys
11:00pm Arrive home
11:05pm Full-on, get-down, gorilla sex
11:20pm Fall asleep

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..." Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.
Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the
bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"

Q.What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A.The woman doesn't accept the three and a half inch floppy.
 
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